“And now I’m holdin’ what I never knew I always wanted
I couldn’t see; I was blind ‘til my eyes were opened
I didn’t know there was a hole
Something missing in my soul
‘Til you filled it up, oh, with your love”
Here I sit 19 months after the last time I blogged to you all, celebrating my baby girl’s first birthday. A wave of nostalgia is rushing over me as I think back to the last year. I instantly begin to tear up remembering how at one point not long ago this exact moment was just a mere hope of becoming reality. Then my dreams came true on March 8th, 2015 at 12:56 PM, a short 3 ½ hours after my water broke; we welcomed Reagan Mae Rose into our lives. The minute I laid eyes on her, I knew my world was never going to be the same again. In honor of my little angel’s first birthday, I want to dedicate this post to her.
My Sweet Girl:
The very first time I held you in my arms, it felt as though my heart was about to explode. I’ve always heard how there is no other love like that of being a parent. I learned just how much this was true within a matter of hours after you were born. As I sat there looking at your adorable face, I felt an enormous surge come from within my chest. I had hoped and prayed for you and you were finally here and all mine. I remember it vividly, crying non-stop the first few weeks at home whenever I held you. I know my post pregnancy hormones were all over the place. But for me it was more than that. There was once a point where I did not think you could ever be a possibility for me. Throughout my entire pregnancy I was always afraid that at any moment it would all come to an abrupt end, but then there you were, my sweet little miracle baby in my arms. I kept repeating, “I can’t believe she is all ours” as the tears would stream down my face. Maybe infertility had damaged me in the way that I constantly feared the worst. Or maybe I just never truly realized how much room was in my heart. Either way, it really felt so full of love that I was genuinely concerned it may burst into a million pieces at any point.
“You’re stealing every bit of my heart with your daddy’s eyes
What a sweet surprise”
I always knew I was meant to be a mom, but you have far exceeded every hope or dream that I ever had. Over the last year I have watched you blossom into this remarkable, sweet, generous, and playful little girl. As I look towards the future I can only hope that one day you are able to look at me with the same adoring eyes as I do for you. When I came back from maternity leave at work, I came back with a deep intensity and fire to really make a name for myself. I was constantly asked if I had the opportunity, would I rather be a stay at home mom. Although I would love to spend every day at home with you, I also wanted to be someone that you can be proud of. I wanted to go back into the work place and kick ass to show you that you can do anything you set your mind to. Especially in an age where men still dominantly run the workplace, I wanted to set an example that women can be powerful, successful, and a force to be reckoned with too. Was it incredibly hard to be away from you, fearing that I may miss many of your “firsts” because I was working? Hell yes it was! However this desire to show you that you can wear multiple hats and be everything that you want to be was stronger than my fear. And after a long day of kicking ass, there was nowhere else I wanted to be than at home playing and cuddling with my girl.
I can only hope that your childhood is filled with the best years of your life. I want to be able to provide the moon and more to you. I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes along the way, but I can promise you that I will do my very best. Already at age one, you are showing just how strong willed, yet gentle you are. I hope you keep those qualities and carry them with you throughout all of life. Be courageous enough to try new adventures. Be strong enough to push yourself to the limits. Be brave enough to use your voice, even if it is shaking when you do so. Be daring enough to stand outside the pack and forge your own way. But through all of life, remember that gentle side. Be kind. Be loving. Be giving. Remember to always be thankful, merciful, and respectful. And remember to smile and laugh often. Stay that sweet little girl at heart.
“Life has a way of showing you just what you need
And who you were made to be, yeah”
I want you to know that you were worth it all: the waiting, the surgeries, the injections, the tears. The times where I didn’t know how much more I could take. I would do it over and over again if that’s what it took to have you in my life. I hope to one day be able to bless you with a younger sibling or two. If this hope is only just a dream, I want you to know that you are enough for your Dad and me. You have by far surpassed every thought I ever had about becoming a Mom. The memories I have created with you will always be locked safe in my heart. There will never be anyone that will be able to replace the spot I have reserved for you. Thank you for coming into my life and making me a better person. I promise to always be by your side through all of your journeys: cheering you, supporting you, and loving you. I love you to the moon and back.
~ “A daughter is God’s way of saying ‘Thought you could use a lifelong friend’” ~